Hello there Fellow Baggers .

I'm really writing on here to keep myself sane and on an even keel . I feel a bit lost and rudderless without my best friend and sweet lover , Kitty . For a while there I thought I might be losing the will to put up with day to day life shit , just seemed like a useless endeavor , treading water just to keep it at my chin , a bit more and I would just quietly sink under the waves and find some peace. I always told Kitty that I did not want my happiness to depend on one person because that person could disappear from my life , either either of their own volition or just be snatched away by fate , by death . It took me a while to come to know that I had put all my eggs in Kitty's basket , for better or for worse and admit that I loved her more than life itself . I told her lots of times that I loved her , after she would tell me that she loved me . That was not enough , I know now . I should have told her just how much I loved her , that she had made my life worth living again , that I would feel lost in this world without her . Kitty was my rudder and my sail that was keeping me going forward , keeping me on track , giving me self worth and a reason to get up every day . Kitty was the reason I got on a plane in the middle of a Pandemic and flew across the Atlantic and across a Continent to be with her. Kitty sent me a respirator and I wore it for about 17 hours . I put it on before I walked in the door of Dublin airport in Ireland , landed and waited in Boston for 3 hours before continuing on a flight to San Francisco ( same distance as Dublin to Boston ) for approx another 7 hours . My Sister, the Nurse and others advised me not to fly as it would be too dangerous to go to two airports and fly on two different planes for such a long time . I thanked them for their sage advice but just told them I had to go, to be with Kitty . I believed that if I followed the rules that I set for myself I would be ok . I brought a sandwich that I made myself , well wrapped , A bottle of water from the airport which I wiped down with alcohol wipes before touching or drinking , never touched anyone , never touched any Thing without my surgical gloves , several pairs ...use em and lose em ..rule number one 11

The planes were wonderful , less than half full , one person per row , everyone wore one or even two masks . I wore the respirator at all times , especially in the bathroom . No airplane food or drink to cut down on bathroom visits , two per flight . Kitty stayed home and wore her respirator outside her house , got her groceries delivered , never let her two kids out of the house except in the garden .

When I landed in SF my Brother picked me up , both of us masked and gloved , no hugs !! I stayed in his house in the Redwoods , away from people in Marin County just across the GG Bridge . We used two different bathrooms and wore masks at all times even inside the house . I got a bad , ugly rash on my back which I now conclude was Shingles ?? This made me add another week onto my 2 week quarantine period .

Sunday would be my first meeting with Kitty ( 20 days quarantine with rash fading ) .

On Saturday I was cutting / trimming trees with my Brother at his house . I spoke to Kitty during the day and showed her on video call what we were doing. She was afraid I would get hurt so I promised her I would be extra safe , no climbing etc . She said to call her when we finished and could show her that I was safe . After I showered and changed I called Kitty , a video call with Whatsapp . She was a little tired but feeling fine and looking good . We spoke for about 45 minutes and talked about a big house she wanted to buy and I looked at it on Zillow . We ( Kitty , Me and her two teenage kids , boy and girl ) would all be living in it by about Feb some time . We had a lovely chat and she was in a good mood when we hung up , saying I would call back after dinner .

Less than ten minutes later her Son called me , hysterical , saying that Mom wasn't breathing and and the paramedics were on the way .

Kitty's Sister was closer than me . I was 2 1/2 hours away , Sister was in San Mateo , about 45 minutes from Kitty's . I thought it was probably Kitty's Potassium that was causing a crisis because it frequently got dangerously low , an infusion at the hospital and she would be fine the next day .

Kitty's Sister called me , not sure how much time passed , two hours maybe . She said words that have been echoing in my head ever since .

Kitty didn't make it . I collapse on the floor to my knees , my Brother helps me into a chair .

The life we had just talked about was over . Our lives would never be the same and will not ever be the same .

This happened on Oct 24th and it still feels like it happened five minutes ago .

Tell your loved ones that you Love them and how much you love them , tell them how much you Love and Need them , hug and kiss them when they leave the house .

Actually Kitty was effectively left us just five minutes after we ended our video call , she had no symptoms except for being tired . A blood clot almost instantly destroyed one side of Kitty's heart .

And Kitty was gone , forever .

Stay safe everyone and be nice , be kind to your fellow human beings , life is short and the BEST parts of your life are very, very short , enjoy them and spread your love .

Eamon XO